We were classmates back then. We’ve been friends for more than 8 years now. For how long we’ve been friends, that’s how long I’ve been nursing a secret feeling for him. I didn’t know when the more-than-friends feeling started. I think it started as fondness for he was a very easy-to-get-along with a type of person. He loves his family. His friends cherish him. Until, I just woke up one day that I started to see him as a man – a person very much distinguished from my other guy friends. I started to care for the persons that are dear to him. I came to a point that I want to love the people that he loves. I became close to his family. I’ve somewhat felt that I’ve been treated as part of the family for I didn't feel that much in my own family.
They say that one will know if that person is important or special to you because he/she is all you talk about. I’ve been to that point already. Unconsciously, I’ve been telling people I met just how a good person he is. Not knowing my very acts, it started my own heartaches. The people I’ve been telling good things about him started to get curious and fell in love eventually to the character I created in their minds. A girl, which was our junior, started being close to him and his family. I can say I felt jealous when I realized the girl is getting closer to him and his family than I am with them. I would witness him laughing to her jokes. They would be tickling and giggling, holding hands and even found her embracing him. It pains me so much to be seeing that sight for I’ve never been to that stage where I could be the one telling him jokes that would burst him laughing. I admit it, I am a jealous person. I get jealous even only to friends who have a close relation to their other friends. Before, I thought that the jealousy I felt is just like a normal feeling towards a very close friend. But when my friends started having intimate relationship with other girls I didn't feel jealous. That is the time then that I realized he's not just a mere friend to me because what I felt is more than the friendship he can offer.
I felt I’ve been busy and putting on much effort to making his family happy that I forgot that I could make him also happy given the chance to. I know that he is happy with the girl. I let them be because I can see that he’s happy. All I can do now is wish for him a happy life and love. I started to distance myself so I could also protect myself from getting much hurt. I enrolled in Diliman for the summer. I need to be preoccupied to forget him. The summer class went well. I less and less think of him. From the time I came back I thought all is fine now. I’m in control of my emotion. Even when I saw him it just felt casual, until he sang, accompanied by the guitar, the song “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias. The feelings flowed again as if it were just yesterday. All the walls I’ve built to keep him from breaking in all crumbled down.
“Would you dance if I ask you to dance?”, the song goes... “The hell, yes, I will until forever!”, is what my mind wants to scream to him. It felt like a slow torture.
During that time I felt that the two are not as close as they were before. There were rumors that the girl is dating our superior officer. One time I asked her what happened? I said I thought all will lead to a good romantic relationship. She just simply answered: I gave up. We both gave up. After the incident I felt that the closeness of our friendship went back to the time when they weren't spending much time with each other. We sometimes were together going to our friend’s place. I thought it would be a start of a very good friendship.
They say that one will know if that person is important or special to you because he/she is all you talk about. I’ve been to that point already. Unconsciously, I’ve been telling people I met just how a good person he is. Not knowing my very acts, it started my own heartaches. The people I’ve been telling good things about him started to get curious and fell in love eventually to the character I created in their minds. A girl, which was our junior, started being close to him and his family. I can say I felt jealous when I realized the girl is getting closer to him and his family than I am with them. I would witness him laughing to her jokes. They would be tickling and giggling, holding hands and even found her embracing him. It pains me so much to be seeing that sight for I’ve never been to that stage where I could be the one telling him jokes that would burst him laughing. I admit it, I am a jealous person. I get jealous even only to friends who have a close relation to their other friends. Before, I thought that the jealousy I felt is just like a normal feeling towards a very close friend. But when my friends started having intimate relationship with other girls I didn't feel jealous. That is the time then that I realized he's not just a mere friend to me because what I felt is more than the friendship he can offer.
I felt I’ve been busy and putting on much effort to making his family happy that I forgot that I could make him also happy given the chance to. I know that he is happy with the girl. I let them be because I can see that he’s happy. All I can do now is wish for him a happy life and love. I started to distance myself so I could also protect myself from getting much hurt. I enrolled in Diliman for the summer. I need to be preoccupied to forget him. The summer class went well. I less and less think of him. From the time I came back I thought all is fine now. I’m in control of my emotion. Even when I saw him it just felt casual, until he sang, accompanied by the guitar, the song “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias. The feelings flowed again as if it were just yesterday. All the walls I’ve built to keep him from breaking in all crumbled down.
“Would you dance if I ask you to dance?”, the song goes... “The hell, yes, I will until forever!”, is what my mind wants to scream to him. It felt like a slow torture.
During that time I felt that the two are not as close as they were before. There were rumors that the girl is dating our superior officer. One time I asked her what happened? I said I thought all will lead to a good romantic relationship. She just simply answered: I gave up. We both gave up. After the incident I felt that the closeness of our friendship went back to the time when they weren't spending much time with each other. We sometimes were together going to our friend’s place. I thought it would be a start of a very good friendship.
But all ended when he had to go far from home to work for his family.
Almost 2 years passed before we met again. He surprised me with a visit at our place. From that time on I realized that I’m special for him. But, after another year or so I realized that I’m just special, nothing more nothing less. I’m just special but not even close to being the right one.
It happened one afternoon when I was with my org-mates. For he saw that I was busy, he asked me to drop by in their place because he would be introducing to me a certain person. I was anxious all over. There had been so many questions in my mind. This would be the first time that he is making efforts to introduce me to somebody. I'm curious and at the same time afraid for what will I find out. Who is this person whom he made an effort to introduce to? Is that important person a she or a he? Is he/she someone special? How significant is that person to him?
After the activity of our organization, I purposely dilly-dallied in going to their house. I went to a department store first and when it was about ten in the evening that’s the time when I went straight to their house. I met him on the door. He said, “You’re late in coming. Paul just went home.” PAUL. It’s been a relief to me hearing that it was PAUL he is introducing me with. At least he is a HE! I then said, “Ok, we still have next time, right?” with a bright smile on my face.
After the activity of our organization, I purposely dilly-dallied in going to their house. I went to a department store first and when it was about ten in the evening that’s the time when I went straight to their house. I met him on the door. He said, “You’re late in coming. Paul just went home.” PAUL. It’s been a relief to me hearing that it was PAUL he is introducing me with. At least he is a HE! I then said, “Ok, we still have next time, right?” with a bright smile on my face.
That night I slept in their house. It is just a normal situation as a family friend. The next morning, we were in the dining area where breakfast was readily served and we were chit-chatting about many things when his mother mentioned about something "Ate Paul will be giving (something because I didn't recall the things said)..." Confused, I suddenly butt in.
"Ate Paul..?", I asked to assure that what I heard is correct.
The mother replied, "Yes, because we call ate and kuya those who are older. Pauline, the girlfriend of Kuya Andro."
I felt my world stopped for a moment at that time. Believe me, that scene in the movies and the world-stopping situations in the novels and pocketbooks we so fondly read is true. I experienced it myself when it felt like the world stopped revolving for a second. I really wanted to be swallowed whole by the earth at that time. Call it cheesiness but that's what I really felt. When I regained my consciousness which I thought wandered for a while, all I did say was "Aah..and then what happened..?", trying to be nonchalant. His mother continued talking about gifts from Ate Pauline. I didn't remember what she said after. It is even hard for me to swallow my food. I can't anymore taste the food I'm eating. My mind was still on the shocking revelation. I saw him glancing at me with his peripheral vision, or is it just a fruit of imagination - I don't know. I was quiet famished earlier that morning but after that news all I want is to escape from that situation and scream and wail to my heart's content. But while I was within their sight I have to compose myself.
After I finished what was on my plate, I excused myself to the kitchen to put the plate I used in the kitchen sink. But my main purpose is to hide myself for I was beginning to feel the involuntary shaking of my body. I felt cold. I'm not a cry baby. Or I suppose I pretend not to. I dialed my friend's number on my cellphone. At that time I need someone to talk to. But luck was not on my side for the first person I tried contacting, the phone was only ringing and no one's picking up and the other one is out of coverage area. I felt really devastated. I don't know what to do.
So that was it. That was what it's all about. That's what was he was making effort with. Paul is really Pauline. How silly of me, that's what I thought when I remember that incident.
AND I have written the above article 2 years ago...
There had been a lot of questions thrown to me as to whether I have ever fallen in love. The truth is, I don't know. But maybe this feeling for him is the closest resemblance to it.
NOW. It's December 05, 2013. This will be the start of something that could make or break everything. I have never had a boyfriend for a lot of reasons. But, I think one of the most weighted reasons that I haven't found anyone or haven't entertained anyone is that I made him as my standard. No one I could ever compare to him. Maybe there could be some who's more than him but still it feels different because they are not him.
Today I will let him read finally on what contains my thoughts and feelings that was kept hidden for years afraid that I'll be judged severely. I was persuaded by my Japanese student to finally do this, maybe unlikely act of me. She said it's ok to let the concerned person know how you feel at least things would be clear. There could be a peace of mind. My doubts, worries, what-ifs and if only will be solved. A clear and final closure. If I won't do this, maybe I never will.
After this, I hope he would realize that I have given all my energies just to be able to share this to him. I hope he'd realize that after this I am a better friend for this act of honesty and truthfulness. May our friendship be still saved whatever comes out from this. But I trust him to be a wise and objective person. After this, I know I will be embarking in a new chapter in my life. Whatever could be the consequence of this act I hope he would still be the friend I know of.
No expectations. No hassles. Just for my own peace of mind. I think I deserve it, right?
May God bless me.
Today I will let him read finally on what contains my thoughts and feelings that was kept hidden for years afraid that I'll be judged severely. I was persuaded by my Japanese student to finally do this, maybe unlikely act of me. She said it's ok to let the concerned person know how you feel at least things would be clear. There could be a peace of mind. My doubts, worries, what-ifs and if only will be solved. A clear and final closure. If I won't do this, maybe I never will.
After this, I hope he would realize that I have given all my energies just to be able to share this to him. I hope he'd realize that after this I am a better friend for this act of honesty and truthfulness. May our friendship be still saved whatever comes out from this. But I trust him to be a wise and objective person. After this, I know I will be embarking in a new chapter in my life. Whatever could be the consequence of this act I hope he would still be the friend I know of.
No expectations. No hassles. Just for my own peace of mind. I think I deserve it, right?
May God bless me.
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